Schizophrenia By Way Of Welcome

In a conversation between Lady B. and Self:


Lady B.: Welcome to your new webpage on Blogger, Self.

Self: What?

Lady B. (smiling curtly): Welcome to your new page.

Self (looking around): Really?

Lady B. (smiling; barely): You seem displeased.

Self: You mean I have something else I have to keep up with, now?

Lady B. (bristling): You don't have to; you get to. (Spreads her arms and looks around.)
This is your space. You can do with it what you will, say what you like. This is your moment, your chance to shine, to be all that-

Self: All that I can be, blah, blah, blah. No, that's not what this is; this is just one more thing in a long list of things that I do not have time for.

Lady B.: ...I worked very hard on this, you know.

Self: And that's my problem...?

Lady B. (sighs): Fine. Take it down.

                        

Self: No, no; it's finished now... I may as well keep it. I'll just stop sleeping all together.

Lady B.: Now you're trying to make me feel guilty! I cannot believe this!

Self: No, I'm not. I'm really not.

Lady B.: You are! Oh, of all the rotten things...

Self: Look, I'm sorry; I'll do it, okay? (Looks at her feet; scrapes across the floor with the toe of her shoe) It might be kinda nice, actually.

Lady B.: Do you mean it?

Self (shrugs): Yeah.

Lady B. (sighs): Shall we try it again, then?

Self: Sure.

Lady B. (Clears throat, brushes invisible dust from the waist of her skirts and curtseys): Self; welcome to your new page on Blogger.

Self: (bows at the waist): Thank you, Lady B.; it's a pleasure.

Lady B.: I'm sorry the space is so barren, but I thought you might want to put your own touches on the place.

Self: Thank you; but I feel this is something we should tackle together.

Lady B. (curtseys): I would be delighted.

(Lady B. and Self turn to face the audience and wave.)

Lady B.: Welcome to Lady B. Speaks.

Self: I'll be updating... whenever I feel like it.

Lady B. (rolls her eyes): We hope to see you often and anticipate your participation.

Self (sighs and turns to Lady B.):  What normal person talks like that?

Lady B.: What normal person holds a ten minute conversation with themselves then posts it in a thematic stage format for the general public to read?

Self (shrugs and nods): ...Touché.

Lady B. and Self: Goodnight everyone!